Why do some women prioritise children's bedtime over exercise?

And is this really a problem?

Photo by Ben Griffiths on Unsplash

I coach female runners every Tuesday evening. The session time has changed over the years and for various reasons I eventually settled on 7pm to 8pm.

The women range from their 20s to their 50s and many of them have children aged one to 20+. Inevitably coming to running club at 7pm means they have to miss bedtime once a week. And why shouldn’t they? There is no reason why they should be putting their children to bed every single night of the week.

And yet, I often get women saying they can’t join the session because it clashes with bedtime. This happened once again this week. A woman who has signed up for a marathon race and is keen to train with others, said she wanted to join the sessions but couldn’t because they were at her child’s bedtime.

I will be completely honest. This made my blood boil. Not at the woman, but at the social expectation. This mother had decided to commit to training for a momentous race but for whatever reason, did not feel able to leave her child for one evening to help herself achieve that goal.

I find this really hard to to wrap my head around. When I felt ready to go back to exercise when my first son was five months old, I did. For one hour every week I went to play netball at 7pm. My baby cried continuously while my husband tried to soothe him. Eventually he settled but it took quite a while. But there was no way I was giving up my one hour to myself. My physical and mental health depended on it and my husband completely got it.

Photo by Capstone Events on Unsplash

When I was very young my dad always put me to bed, because my mum was a rarity. She worked full time and had a long commute while my dad worked close by, and sometimes at home. I rarely saw my mum during the week. But that was my normal and I always felt proud that my family were bucking the trend.

But this is clearly not everyone’s experience. So, rather than just get angry I wanted to try to understand. First I spoke to my closest running buddy, who agreed with me.

“There are barriers for women such as caring responsibilities, some which they can’t get out of. But you do have choice and agency, and it’s about prioritising yourself. Many people say they can’t but actually they are choosing not to. Where does the expectation come from that mum has to be there at bedtime?” she said.

I knew speaking to my friend would be something of an echo chamber as we hold similar opinions, so I reached out to the other women in my running group.

Yes, they were happy to come along to run and miss bedtime, but that hadn’t always been the case. The feeling of “mum guilt” was strong, a barrier which I discussed in a previous newsletter.

One mum told me: “Personally, I think it's expectations I put upon myself. But also bedtimes used to be really hard for one of us to do alone with them being so close in age and so young. We used to take a child each to settle - it's then hard to get out of that routine.

“My son gets really worried when I leave the house and I would feel so guilty leaving him crying out for me. So that guilt would be enough to stop me. Although now we can have those conversations about it being important to me and he really understands. I think it's important to show kids that mums deserve and need to look after their physical/mental health too so they see it as part of everyday life.”

There was also the issue of breaking the cycle. If the child cried or was unsettled for the evening when dad put them to bed, it became easier for mum to do it. And eventually this became the norm.

But why are some women putting this expectation on themselves? And why does it default to them even if they are working full time as well as their partner.

For this, I needed to speak to an expert, so I called upon feminist sociologist Bethan Taylor-Swaine, who has been studying women, identity and sport for years.

Bethan’s feeling is the women do not place barriers in front of themselves, and neither do men consciously exploit their privilege. But she doesn’t deny that there is a problem.

“It is about the way society is constructed, the social expectations that are put on women even at a subconscious level create barriers around motherhood. There is a lot of anxiety around being a good mother and the judgment that comes with motherhood and gender roles in families,” Bethan told me.

Reflecting on this made me realise how the gender role switch I had growing up impacted the way I view the world. And as Bethan pointed out “women like us are the minority”.

“There is a strong narrative about how the baby needs the mother and the mother is the only one who can do things. I even sometimes feel awkward saying I need time away from my child and I don’t want to spend every minute of the day with her because I have other things to pursue. Until we change the narratives around all of that, these barriers are going to remain,” adds Bethan.

So what’s the solution? I believe we need to keep highlighting and discussing the existing narrative, so that gradually it changes. We need to understand why women feel they can’t prioritise themselves - even for one hour a week - rather than get angry at them. And this is something I am trying to work on.

---

Thanks for reading this week’s newsletter. If you have any running news for me, let me know! Send feedback to lilycanter@yahoo.co.uk or suggest topics you’d like me to cover.